Fantasy! Swords! Stupid Magic!

Wherein it is learned of a campaign

Usual Place for the Intro

Like most GMs/TTRPG designers, I have a couple projects going on at once. For this update, I thought it might be fun to share a campaign I’m working on for my private group of friends. This isn’t something I intend to publish in any form (other than this). It’s a just-for-fun campaign/world for our gaming group. Feel free to steal.

Additionally, we haven’t really decided which overall system to use yet, and I’m not going to make my own for this. I’m just making the world, campaign, and side-quests. As such, most of this is written so that I can easily pivot to whatever system we use.

This also gives you an idea for my general GM-ness; how I run my games, how I create my worlds. Everyone’s is always different, and I like to steal ideas from other GMs and bloggers. If there’s something here you can use, have at it. This won’t be the only post about this design and campaign, but I haven’t yet decided how regularly I’ll talk about it.

An Idea of the World

The world is a flexible fantasy world. It’s really nothing super special because I believe in the heart-warming notion that no amount of my creativity can replace what players do themselves. I just provide the playground. Plus this post isn’t a lore dump.

I’ve painted a map for them in Photoshop with my trusty tablet, but I’m not a very skilled artist, so if you zoom in (not even sure how much you can zoom once Substack compresses the image or desktop vs mobile) you’ll see all the many flaws. This is just a quick raster. The final version will of course hide the alphabet and palette. Anyway:

Without labels

Here’s a version with labels, but the map looks a bit busy with all the kingdoms, rivers, mountains, deserts, seas, lakes, and forests labelled. However, my intent with the map is to show some of the history. For example, looking at the map, the Left-Handed Mountains are to the right of the Right-Handed Mountains, which implies a sort of southern migration of an ancient people from the north. From the perspective of people traveling south, those mountains would be labelled correctly. A southern migration of a group of people implies some kind of climate change or political crisis in the north in Ye Anciente Times. If I were looking for ancient ruins or secrets buried deep, I’d start there. Yada, yada, yada. I won’t say more than that on the topic because I promised this wasn’t a lore dump.

Point is: maps can be fun. I tried to make this one with purpose of culture and history, and tried to restrain my urge for rule-of-cool.

I’ve made some generation rules which make shenanigans and exploration easy to work with on the fly within the confines of the world. Like any GM, I’ve got a binder full of generation rules, from the absurdly background (e.g., generating chronostratigraphy) to the more useful (NPC names, cultures, and disposition).

I’m not a historian or geologist, this is just for ancient history on the fly. I like to have my bases covered.

Factions and Intrigue

I also have a factionalism and intrigue generator. Naturally, the Big Powers already have theirs carved out, but on the micro-scale there’s no point in trying to make this stuff in advance for minor powers if players never interact with them. And you never know what players are going to fixate upon. Rather than try to predict it in advance, if players fixate on what was intended to be a throw-away NPC or faction, I can roll on this handy generator to expand the fun.

I can roll for as many faction as I like to create a confusing and messy web of intrigue. Some of the rolls seem contradictory, like X Faction wants to protect Y faction and will resort to riots to make it happen. This was not originally by design, but I kept it in for even more Human Nature goodness. “I’m hurting you to help you” is a shit excuse as old as time.

The Campaign: Fun with Funnels!

Anyway, so the campaign begins as cliche as many fantasy campaigns do. All the PCs hanging out in a tavern. But the tavern is a funnel. Each player has 5 PCs to control, which means everyone in the tavern is actually a PC. Of that pool of 5, only 1 will make it to the end alive. That will be their PC for the rest of the campaign or until that PC dies.

Since this is a funnel, all PCs start at Level 0. This means reduced stats and no access to classes. They are basically nothing more than peasants who are very ill-equipped (literally) to deal with this. Depending on what system we go with, I’ll sprinkle in some tuned-down methods to use the starter abilities of different classes so each player can get a rookie feel for the classes. My goal is to give them an idea of what they want by the end, without having to commit right away.

The funnel itself leans into my (and my group’s) preference for the surreal. It’s a repeating tavern. There are four exits from the tavern. South: Front Door. North: Back Door. East: Window. West: Window. That’s it. Simple.

Passing through any egress will lead them to them into another version of the tavern, as though they were passing through the egress they just egress-ed. But it’s a different tavern, changed ever-so-slightly. The type of change depends on the direction. Every version of the tavern that can possibly exist does exist in this weird little pocket-realm they’ve found themselves in.

Going North from the Prime Tavern ages the tavern. Going South trends hostile. East trends weird. West trends corrupted. So by variations, they get a mix of environments, providing they don’t make a b-line in a single direction.

The tavern itself is riddled with traps set by themselves and, of course, they can encounter all the other versions of themselves that can possibly exist from the moment they entered the tavern. The nice versions of themselves, the mad versions of themselves, the terrified, the panicked, the devious, the helpful, etc.

My “North Star” for this funnel was to make sure the escape wasn’t something annoying like a hidden key or secret password or something that required a bunch of back-tracking through identical taverns. It’s really just the mystery of where they are and what’s happened to them. When they piece the mystery together, the solution to escape is obvious and immediately applicable. Which leaves them with the over-arching campaign quest: Find the Piece of Shit Who Did This. I like to keep goals personal.

This when the “Epic Journey” cliche comes in filled with as much dungeon crawling, city crawling, political maneuvering, and side-questing as their hearts desire.

Shopping Extravaganza!

Like all good players, mine love to mingle in shops and bother shopkeepers. More than that, they love magical items. Even more than that, they love stuff that’s not exactly straight-forward and require a bit of creative thinking to be useful. Don’t get me wrong, they like simple, straight forward magic stuff as well. But the strange ones are extra special.

It’s really quite nice as a GM because this same penchant of theirs applies to situations. I never have to make sure there’s a way “out” for my players if they get in over their heads. I can just throw a situation at them and let them go hog-wild trying to find a way through. Their primary way of thinking is: “We don’t have to be high level to beat a high boss. We just have to think creatively.” Sometimes they don’t think creatively enough, but they’re skilled at running away (mostly).

To that end, I have this handy store which sort of magically pops up in whatever town they happen to visit (does not appear in villages). My goal is to have about ~50 of these slightly-cursed magical objects (which are really just more weird tools for them to use for problem solving) and then have 5 available for purchase each time they visit ol’ Gene. If you’ve got ideas for more, send ‘em. I’m starting to run dry.

Gene Rodicus' Lightly Discounted Magical Gewgaws

The sign appears to have been vandalized some time ago. The words "Lightly Discounted" have faded letters painted over them which read "CURSED." The vandalism has been mostly scrubbed off.

Inside, an old gnome with large spectacles has his feet on the counter and is snoring softly. A wind-up automated lute is playing on a shelf behind the counter. It seems to be stuck and is plucking the same string over and over.

He has five items for sale on a series of shelves below the lute.

1. Bag of Withholding (Used)
This Bag of Holding has developed a bit of a personality and that personality is, shall we say, ornery. Works mostly like a normal Bag of Holding, but good luck getting your shit out. 25% chance it actually gives you what you want back. Since it's already got stuff in it, there's a better chance it will vomit out the random shit of whoever owned it last. Can be unfolded like a 6x6-foot tarp to roll stuff into it. This counts as opening. Note you actually have to close the tarp around what you’re trying to put in before it will go into the Bag of Withholding. So if you’ve got funny ideas about trapping the local magistrate in there, think again.

I opened it once and it told me to fuck myself, so I'm pretty sure it either talks or you can store noises into it which will come out whenever the bag feels like it.

What’s in the Bag?

1. Ten pounds of chicken intestines.

2. The screams of many people.

3. 500 silk handkerchiefs tied together.

4. 20 flasks of acid (corked).

5. Rubberband ball.

6. Wooden sign that reads: “You are Here.”

7. Pile of expired coupons.

8. Letter addressed to someone. The address is in the neighboring Hold.

9. Treasure map showing the local area. The dotted line runs far to the north and falls off the map.

10. Map of the local area which has a red “X” exactly where you are standing. The red “X” moves as you move. A blue “?” several miles away is moving towards you.

11. Compass that doesn’t point North.

12. Healer’s kit.

13. Grappling hook with 100’ of rope attached.

14. 30’ ladder.

15. 50 loose caltrops.

16. 20 Molotov cocktails (unlit).

17. A human corpse.

18. A bee’s nest (all the bees suffocated but there’s still honey).

19. Loaded bear trap.

20. 250 lbs boulder.

2. Unknowable Bow
This bow does 100 damage regardless of the type of arrow you fire. Thing is, you can’t know anything about your target other than the fact that you're aiming at it. Can you see it? Can you hear it? Did someone shout, “Geek the mage!” If you answer yes to any of those or others, that means you know something about it. Then it's just a regular shitty bow.

3. Plus One Sword
This is a sword with another sword on it. I don't know what it does.

4. Deck of Few Things (Used)
So you'll see this deck has 10 cards and one blank card. This is all the cards it will ever have, and it will always have exactly this many cards. I don’t know why the box is so big if it only holds 11 cards total. Once a week you can take the blank card and tap it against anything you own, and it will turn that thing into a card. Since it can only have 10 cards plus the blank, if you use the blank card, a random card will turn into the new blank card. I think it's random, anyway.

Also, the lady what sold it to me said that the deck always has to stay full, so if you use a card, the blank card gets triggered and turns a random thing you own into a card, then a new blank card appears. I'll say this again: anything you own is game for randomly being turned into a card. And I'm just going to throw this out there: she was also missing an eye. Ominous, right? Oh and she also said that when a card is used, the thing on the card will show up - and I quote - “for just a bit,” then disappear. She refused to tell me how to make the cards work other than how to capture something with them. I could never get the damn things to show up in the world after I used the blank card. I’ll miss you, Dr. Mittens.

What’s on the Card?

1. The Blank Card.

2. A man in chains, mid-scream.

3. Nothing? It’s just totally black.

4. A flaming arrow, seemingly mid-flight.

5. A cat.

6. An eye.

7. A giant horn perched atop a tower.

8. A trebuchet (mid-release).

9. A pair of trousers.

10. Water [from a RIVER].

11. A tree.

[This one is actually an item-based side-quest for the players. There should be 20 cards total, but for *reasons* various owners have kept certain cards. One of the cards is the one-eyed woman’s child. The deck’s view of “ownership” is somewhat misguided, it seems. Cards which have been moved a certain distance away from the Blank Card are not randomly replaced when the Blank Card is used.]

5. Bag of Ticks
It's just a bag with hundreds of ticks inside. That's why it's wriggling around. Open it up, dump them out. Hundreds of new ticks appear inside the next day. It's disgusting.

6. Censer of Imprecise Summoning
Light the incense, and a figure appears from the smoke. The figure is 100% tangible and exists with you in every way that matters. It can interact with physical objects and speak with you and anyone else around (if it actually speaks). But the thing is, you never really know what you're going to get. Might be a person, might be a gnat, might be a very unhappy cave bear. Oh and, uh, another thing is that the censer always summons something that actually exists in the world right now. As in, it plucks them from wherever they are and puts them in front of you for about a minute. Then it puts them back to wherever it got them from. Doesn't come with incense, but any incense will do. I suggest myrrh. No I don't sell it. Takes about three days to recharge.

7. Coin (Well Used)
It's a coin. Think of a yes/no question like, "Should I go left here?" Flip the coin. Heads is yes, tails is no. What's that you say? The faces have rubbed off and you don't know which is heads and which is tails? Doesn't matter. The coin is making the decision for you. So once you flip the coin and look at it, you're committed. Everyone around you is committed. The entire cosmic plane and the rest of reality will adjust itself to make sure that this decision comes to pass. So if the answer is, "No, you shouldn't go left here," the whole universe conspires to make sure you don't go left here. Maybe you'll suddenly lose interest in going left. Maybe you'll see something really interesting to your right. Or maybe it'll break both your fucking legs. And then your arms if you try to drag yourself left anyway. Thing is, you probably won't actually know its decision unless you try to go left.

Oh, and don’t try being a smartass and asking something stupid like, “Should I blow up the world?” It gets a bit squirrely if the solution is too complicated.

8. Amulet of (Un)Wanted Attention
Put this baby on, and for the next hour your intended target will pay attention to you and nothing else. Half the time. The other half, something else pays attention to you. Only works once a day, resets when the sun rises.

9. Ring of Minor Royalty
Wear this, and everyone assumes you're the heir to some obscure kingdom, but they can't quite recall which one it is. They'll treat you like royalty, though. I'm talking red carpet treatment: the best food and wine and lodging, immediate audiences with the local ruler, dinner with the Junk Lords, you name it. Guards let you get away with the craziest shit, merchants will be absurdly deferential. But then comes all the other bullshit that royalty has to deal with. People come to you with their problems and expect you to solve them. People want you to marry their son or daughter or ward or distant relative thrice removed. Jealous nobles want to assassinate you, the rabble wants to depose you - out come the knives and pitchforks. Heavy is the head, am I right?

10. Monkey's Paw (Used)
I think we all know what this little bastard is. There's three wishes left, but the wishes are cursed. One wish per finger plus the thumb as a kicker. I wish you good luck. No wait! Fuck. Well, two wishes left. I'll give you another discount.

11. Lantern of Sorta Revealing
A broken Lantern of Revealing. The light focuses on an interesting object within 30 feet. Your guess is as good as mine what "interesting" means to this thing. I think it means whatever the lantern finds interesting in the moment. One time is focused on a random rock, and wouldn't you know it, there was a fireball scroll tucked under it. Another time it focused on a charcoal drawing my 5 year-old niece did. The drawing was shit but the lantern sure thought it was interesting. The guy what sold it to me said one day it focused on him, and just never stopped. I think it was in love.

12. Boots of Elvenkindness
+15 to being a sneaky person, but you also become the kindest, most hospitable person in the world while wearing them. You might have an urge to do something unkind or murdery, but you won't be able to go through with it. Even sneaking around might be considered unkind if the boots find out you're doing it to be unkind. Very complicated lacing on these things make them take about 5 minutes to put on and pull off.

13. Ring of Bad-Luck-Deferred
Put the ring on, and you're the luckiest fuck in the world. Things just go your way in the most conspicuous ways imaginable. But that all that good luck means someone else is gonna have bad luck, balanced against the amount of good luck you've had. And as their bad luck would have it, the person who is "randomly" selected to receive all that bad luck is usually someone close to you, or someone who’s helped you before. Someone like, say, your friends here.

[Full disclosure, I stole that from The Magicians.]

14. Potion of Mime (Used)
Drink it, and you're a mime. Everything you pantomime is real, but only for you. Also you can't talk or make any noise, even if you try. And you end up wearing stupid makeup that you'll have to manually clean off afterward. The bottle used to contain about 10 minutes of the stuff, but there's only 3 left, which means it's mostly backwash now, so that's pretty gross. You don't need to drink it all at once.

15. "Don't Eat Me" (Used)
4 strips of beef jerky wrapped in paper. Says right there on the package: “Don't Eat Me Jerky, 5ct.” No clue what it does because I've never eaten it. [Prevents consumer from being chewed or digested if they're ever eaten/swallowed. Creature eating you has a 50% chance to choke on you.]

16. Stew of Smart (Expired)
A small tin pot of stew. +5 to being a smarty pants and doing smart person stuff, but only while you're actively eating the stew. It went bad a long time ago so it smells like death and you'll definitely get food poisoning. Tin pot comes with a travel lid so it won't spill out in your pack and stink up all your shit. I wonder if it makes you smart enough to realize that eating rotten stew is a shit idea?

17. Lotion of Perfect Timing (Used)
Rub it on you. Until the sun rises, you'll have perfect timing on exactly one thing. Problem is, you can't really decide the timing, what the timing is for, or what you'll do. Guy who sold it to me used it twice. First time, he sneezed and an assassin's arrow missed him by a dick's width. Next time he used it, he fell into a ravine and broke both legs and shattered his pelvis, but landed next to a Rope of Climbing. There’s about 3 or 4 applications left.

18. Helm of Comprehend (Most) Languages
Put it on. For 24 hours, you can speak and understand every language currently spoken. Forget your native language for 24 hours, so good luck telling your friends what so-and-so said. You won't be able to write in your own language either, so I hope you've got a good memory. Takes another 24 hours to recharge.

19. Boots of Thunderous Speed
When you wear these, you move at the speed of sound. Always. And only at the speed of sound. All movement. You blink at the speed of sound, you wave to people at the speed of sound, your lips move at the speed of sound when you talk, of course you run and walk at the speed of sound. Just nothing but sonic booms anytime you do anything. I once ate a quick meal (ha!) with these on, and it was nothing but thunder in my guts until I shat it out moments later. Your mental processing time stays the same though, so I hope you've got quick reactions. They take a bit of time to put on, but you can take them off pretty fast.

20. Stool of Sitting (Foldable)
I know what you're thinking, smartass. Yes, it's a stool that allows you to sit down. But while you're sitting down, nobody can make you stand up. Not even yourself. You can, however, be pushed off it. You're free to stand or be made to stand after that. It also folds up real nice so you can store in your bag full of other stupid shit.

21. Glass Orb of Mind Reading (Some Other Place, Somewhere, Some Other Time)
Hold the orb like so, and you'll immediately know the thoughts of someone far away from you from some other time. Hmmm...never thought to emulsify troll fat in whiskey. Disgusting, but intriguing. Keep in mind that someone from the past or future might be doing the same to you, or will have done, or will do. Hell I don't know.

[Stolen from an Alan Parson’s Project song. Not totally committed to keeping it in here, but it might be a useful method to communicate clues to players in an RP way.

Hopefully you get something out of it. If you’ve got ideas for magical gewgaws, throw them my way.